The Friendship Rituals That Are More Important Than You Think

Friendships, like all relationships, take lots of tending to stay healthy and supportive — but many of us are guilty of taking them for granted, especially during busier periods and times of big change in our lives.

If you’ve noticed some of your friendships drifting lately, and even if you haven’t and want to prevent that from happening, implementing friendship “rituals” can be a saving grace. These rituals can help maintain your precious bonds and strengthen them, so you know you can count on one another for the long haul.

Friendship rituals don’t have to be anything fancy — even a tiny check-in counts — but what matters is committing to the ritual and staying consistent. That way, you and your friend(s) will enjoy a foundation of trust that goes a long way towards keeping your friendship healthy. We spoke to three experts about the rituals to take up in your friendships.

When the world feels heavy, friends have the power to lift us up. Friendship rituals take that power to another level, acting as an anchor for our lives.

“In friendships, traditions can create a shared language and history that belongs only to you and your friends,” Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, told HuffPost. “Things you do weekly, monthly or annually, can offer a rhythm and hold friendships together through busy seasons and distance.”

For Harouni Lurie, these rituals are a part of showing your friends you care: “Traditions in friendship say ‘you matter enough to show up for, again and again,’” she said. “They take the pressure off needing every hangout to be perfectly planned or deeply meaningful.”

Harouni Lurie adds that these friendship rituals create a sense of safety and consistency and open the door for vulnerability.

As we all know, texting and social media can give us a false sense of connection. Although that’s a great thing, it’s also not enough, and we end up craving a more tangible relationship with the people in our lives if we go too long without an in-person hang.

“Showing up in person on the other hand signals effort and priority,” said Kristin Anderson, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Madison Square Psychotherapy. “Maybe it’s only once a month or once a quarter — but putting a standing date on the calendar makes it clear to both of you that the friendship is a priority.”

You know how people online are always wishing their friends would come with them to the supermarket or the post office? Or how they’re always jealous of the friends in Friends who just drop in on one another unannounced all the time, just to do nothing together? There’s a reason for that longing.

“Some of the best opportunities for connection lie in the simpler, everyday moments,” said Layne Baker, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “When you focus on ‘being’ rather than ‘doing,’ it takes the pressure off when and how you’re spending time together (both the pressure of financing epic hangs AND the pressure to constantly be thinking up new places to go/do/see).”

Instead, the expert suggested just hanging out at each other’s homes without making a plan beforehand, and just seeing where the day takes you — whether that’s to the park, to the dry cleaners’ or to the couch. It’s about simply living together.

Like social media, texting is a great short-term stand-in for connection, but phone calls deepen that connection — especially in long-distance friendships.

“The never-ending text thread of check-ins and updates is a slippery slope… and suddenly you can’t remember the last time you heard your friend’s voice, even though you feel updated on their life,” said Baker. “Verbal, voice-to-voice communication is a crucial piece of fostering healthy relationships with other humans. We hear tone and nuance that get lost in texts and DMs. We hear joy and pain and can better read the cues of our friends’ needs in the conversation.”

Next time you go to send your friend a text, try calling instead and see how that feels. Or you could schedule a phone call for a time that works for both of you.

It’s totally natural to lean on friends when you’re struggling, and it’s awesome to have people you can lean on. But it’s also really important to catch up with your friends just because you want to catch up, too.

“If you only connect during crises, the friendship becomes reactive,” said Anderson. “Strong friendships are built in the ordinary moments. The way to keep the bond strong is sending a message because you thought of them.”

It doesn’t have to be super deep — a meme will do! It’s just about showing your friend they’re important to you.

A friendship ritual can be a bit more involved, too, giving you both something to periodically look forward to, and a lovely space to connect with each other.

“An annual girls’ trip. A standing phone call. A birthday breakfast every year,” Anderson said. “Repeat rituals can give the friendship structure and keep it from becoming something you always mean to get back to.”

Cheerleading for your friends’ successes is just as important as supporting them when they’re down — even though it sometimes feels harder to do.

“Humans tend to more naturally connect through suffering thanks to hardwired survival instincts; it actually takes more effort to connect on what makes us feel good or where we find success,” said Baker, who also recommends paying attention to wins that are both big and small.

“The win can be of any size, but the point here is definitely to celebrate the small stuff because that’s what tends to get downplayed or overlooked,” Baker continued. “You’re likely to share ‘big news’ like a promotion, engagement, etc. But smaller, daily things like nailing that new recipe you found, finishing a hobby project or simply getting out the door on time matter just as much!”