Passive Aggressive Phrases To Avoid With Friends

Friendships are supposed to be a source of comfort, joy and support. But even in the closest relationships, communication can break down, leading to tension.

“In friendship, like in all human relationships, misunderstandings and hurt feelings are inevitable,” said Vanessa Cornell, a friendship expert and founder of the community support network NUSHU. “What really determines the strength and resilience of a friendship is how those moments are handled. One of the quickest ways to undermine healthy communication is falling into passive aggression.”

Passive aggression is basically expressing your negative feelings in ways that are not direct. Some classic passive-aggressive behaviors include not replying to texts or changing the subject in conversation to avoid acknowledging what someone said. You might flake on invitations you previously said yes to, or you might ice someone out by being less warm and excluding them from your plans.

“Giving a friend the silent treatment rather than telling her what you are upset about is passive-aggressive,” said Irene S. Levine, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. “It is a way to upset and punish the other person. A roommate who slams doors as she goes from room to room because she is upset about her friend not assuming her share of responsibilities for cleaning up that apartment. She is acting angry without saying anything.”

Passive aggression also often manifests verbally through your choice of words and tone.

“Instead of openly sharing what’s going on emotionally, the message comes out in subtle ways, through sarcasm, withdrawal, backhanded comments or small digs that don’t quite say what needs to be said,” noted Thais Gibson, a relationship expert and founder of The Personal Development School.

It’s a natural tendency, particularly for people who are uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation.

“They may worry that the other person will blow up at them,” Levine said. “They may want to maintain a veneer of niceness. They may worry about losing the friendship.”

Many folks simply don’t have the tools to express their feelings in a productive way. And there’s a lot of fear around being misunderstood.

“They also may have grown up with passive-aggressive parents, and have been conditioned to believe that it’s a safe way to express anger,” said psychotherapist Meg Gitlin. “I also think that culturally, there’s an expectation that good friends aren’t judgmental, which can be challenging as people are often hardwired to feel and express judgment.”

Avoiding confrontation and finding more indirect ways to express your feelings can feel easier or even more socially acceptable in certain contexts. Passive aggression might also seem like a good way to relieve tension in the short term.

But this approach is counterproductive to the longevity and health of a friendship. Failing to address the negative feelings doesn’t make them go away and instead just creates misunderstanding and distance. Below, relationship experts break down some common passive-aggressive phrases and statements from friends and share the healthier alternatives.

“This phrase often masks feelings like hurt, jealousy or feeling overlooked,” Gibson said. “Rather than naming the emotion directly, it comes out as sarcasm, which can create distance instead of understanding.”

You might say this after your friend casually mentions a luxurious vacation with a different group or an exciting life update that you secretly feel jealous or excluded from.

“A more supportive alternative would be, ‘I’m noticing I feel a bit left out, and I’d really like to talk about that,’” Gibson said.

Levine similarly advised against undermining your friend’s positive experiences, achievements, or talents with sarcastic or otherwise passive-aggressive remarks.

“An example would be ‘You probably got promoted because you put in all that overtime,’” she said. “This downplays a friend’s talents and accomplishments, attributing the promotion to working many hours. This may stem from jealousy or anger that the friend has less time for her.”

Therapist Natalie Moore shared the scenario of a friend who throws an intimate gathering, and you saw photos of it online, which led to hurt feelings.

“You might text your friend ‘No invite for me, huh? I thought we were closer than that,’” she said.

But the healthier alternative would be reaching out to say, “Hey, I saw the photos of the event. Can we talk about it? I’m feeling left out, and it would help me to hear more about how you decided who to include.”

It’s a direct approach that emphasizes I-statements and open-mindedness.

“This presumes goodwill, honestly expresses your feelings of disappointment, and gives your friend a chance to explain her decision-making process,” Moore said.

“Thinly veiled as a supportive statement, this actually means ‘I don’t agree with what you’re doing, but I’m not going to say it outright,‘” Moore said. “A healthier alternative would be ‘I actually don’t think that’s a healthy choice for you. Are you open to hearing why I think that?’”

Another similar example would be, “Well, it’s not something I would do, but it makes sense that you would.”

“This statement expresses judgment and says that while the other person may do something, it’s not something they personally think is acceptable,” Gitlin said. “A more healthy alternative would be sharing an opinion ― even if it’s awkward ― like, ‘I want to be a supportive friend, but I don’t agree with this decision.’”

She emphasized that people should accept that there will always be some differences in how two individuals see the world, even if they’re best friends.

“A judgment-free relationship would be great, but it’s not always possible,” Gitlin said. “Finding a way to express negative emotions or concerns in a more direct way may be scary, but long-term, it’s a better equation for a happy, healthy friendship.”

“A real joke would be funny, and if someone has a reaction it’s likely because there’s something underlying there,” Gitlin said.

Moore also gave the example of “Can’t you take a joke?” as a passive-aggressive response.

“This statement made after an offensive comment adds salt to the wound because instead of taking responsibility for being callous, you’re blaming the receiver for being too sensitive.”

Of course, sometimes something that was genuinely said in jest can land differently than it was intended. In those situations, it’s still counterproductive to dismiss the other person’s hurt feelings.

Telling someone to “chill out” because they had a negative reaction to your joke discounts their feelings and shifts any blame for the hurt solely onto them. Instead, you should acknowledge the pain, and if you genuinely don’t understand why your joke was upsetting to the other person, you can ask them to talk to you about it.

“A healthier alternative would be, ‘I noticed that your mood shifted after I made that comment. Did I say something that offended you without realizing it?’” Moore said. “This one is an important one to say in a soft tone with attuned eye contact. You may have seriously hurt your friend’s feelings unintentionally and the repair needs to be handled quickly and sensitively in order to move on.”

Another passive-aggressive way a friend might express their disagreement would be to say something like, “Do whatever you want.”

“This often sounds like agreement, but underneath it usually reflects resignation or feeling unheard,” Gibson said. “Instead of true consent, it can be a way of withdrawing while avoiding direct conflict.”

She believes a more supportive alternative would be saying something along the lines of, ‘I actually do have a preference here, and I’d like to share it.’”

“Anything that invalidates a person’s reaction by categorizing them as sensitive or the like can be considered passive-aggressive,” Gitlin said.

Instead of undermining the other person’s feelings by criticizing their reaction, she recommended having a dialogue.

“Try a statement that opens up to a larger conversation where you can share how you feel while seeking understanding instead of placing judgment,” Gitlin said. “This might sound like ‘I know you’re hurt, but maybe you could explain it more to me and we can talk through it together.’”

“This kind of language puts blame and shame on the other person, rather than naming what’s actually happening, which is that we feel hurt,” Cornell said. “What we usually mean is something much more vulnerable and honest, like, ‘When I shared my opinion and you didn’t react, I felt hurt because it felt like my perspective didn’t matter.’”

She recommended addressing your hurt feelings directly with your friend rather than telling other loved ones, which can be a more subtle form of passive aggression.

“Complaining to mutual friends can feel relieving in the moment, but it often erodes trust and undermines the friendship rather than supporting it,” Cornell said. “That said, not every slight needs to be addressed. No one is perfect, and sometimes the most compassionate choice is to let something go.”

She gave the example of a friend who didn’t show up for you, but because you know she’s going through a difficult season of her life, you decide to give her grace.

“When we feel hurt, the real question becomes, ‘Does this need a clearing, or can I genuinely let it go?’” Cornell said. ”If it keeps gnawing at you, that’s usually a sign the hurt wants and needs to be heard.”

“This becomes passive-aggressive when it’s said while someone is clearly upset,” Gibson said. “The words suggest neutrality, but the tone, energy or behavior communicates something very different.”

Underneath the veneer of a passive-aggressive “fine” is usually another sentiment: “Something doesn’t feel okay, but I’m not sure how, or if it’s safe, to say what it is.”

“If a friend feels angry but unable to directly communicate their feelings, they would act out their anger and frustration while pretending they’re Ok ― or they might express their true emotions through sarcasm, saying ‘I’m fine’ when they’re clearly not,” said Glenda Shaw, author of “Better You, Better Friends.”

“A more supportive alternative would be ‘I’m feeling a bit bothered and need a little time, but I do want to talk about it,’” Gibson added.

“This statement on the surface may sound benign, but what it communicates subtly is that you’re unhappy with the response rate you’ve been getting,” Moore said.

But, in keeping with the pattern, the healthier option is to communicate that feeling more directly.

Moore suggested a message more along the lines of “Hey, I’m feeling a bit neglected by you lately because you haven’t been responding to my texts the way you used to. Is there something we need to work out? Let me know because I miss you a lot.”

This is another statement that puts a lot on your friend, rather than tackling the negative emotions you’re feeling.

“Try ‘When you canceled plans to spend time with your boyfriend, I felt hurt because it felt like our friendship wasn’t being prioritized,’” Cornell said.

She recommended a helpful formula for direct communication: I feel [insert emotion] when [insert behavior or situation] because [impact or reason.] So for example: “I felt hurt when you canceled our plans because I was really looking forward to spending time together.”

“These conversations become valuable information,” Cornell said. “They help my friends understand what I need, what I’m sensitive to, how I receive things, or even whether I misunderstood something. You can’t really care for your friends well if you don’t know how they tick.”

Ultimately, showing kindness and openness to friends fosters a closer and stronger relationship ― with each other and with yourself.

“Many of life’s greatest insights can be discovered by working through such issues in your friendships, the people with whom we choose to spend time,” Shaw said. “And through the process of navigating these situations we learn to be more factual, detached and better able to manage our expectations. These are some of life’s valuable lessons.”